Do the Hard Stuff, Part 2
Today’s post was inspired by a woman on Twitter who has admirably decided to start taking cold showers because she knows there is value in getting outside of one’s comfort zone, that hard things in life demand we learn how to experience various levels of pain and suffering to break on through to the other side, as Jim Morrison sang.I was also inspired by reading the book Grit. I started off loving the book and agree, in the age of helicopter parenting, some kids are missing out on what it takes to build confidence, resilience, and yes, grit. But the book went on too long for my taste: a repetitive one-sided treatise that we need grit so we can be number one in our fields and never quit. It felt more like an homage to hustle culture after a while, and her derogatory use of the concept of “short termers” landed poorly with me. If you revisit my first post here, it is in praise of serial specialists, who also can claim the skillset of being generalists. Or connectors rather than tunnel-focused experts. The world benefits from all of us!
So I had this insight about Hard Stuff:
Being forced to do hard stuff — especially as a child — can defuse the benefits if you store resentment and blame, leading to a type of victimization mentality. That means, even though you had to do hard stuff, if it doesn’t get framed constructively, then it becomes destructive to building one’s sense of agency and confidence.If you choose to do hard stuff, because you sense there is a benefit lurking in there for you, FOR YOU, then the gains are enormous. I’ve lived by this mantra most of my life:If you can live through it, it will make a great story!That moves me through time when I’m in the middle of something frightening or really hard, as I know this hardness is temporary.You can choose for yourself, to take on tasks that physically, intellectually, or emotionally hurt, that strike fear in the young or old heart, that are in a word —miserable. But, when viewed or better yet, experienced, in service to a wider or larger or even more precise goal, then magic happens. Not only do we get closer to something we desire, we build self-confidence, resilience, and grit along the way.Hard stuff for hard stuff-sake is out-dated machismo. It lacks consciousness. It has a low ROI. I don’t recommend it.Hard stuff to face one’s inner resistance as one seeks also more fun, more joy, a sunrise paddle (for one who likes to sleep in), a new personal insight, that’s precisely where I think we want to be. I admit, it can be hard to keep all this front of mind in the midst of the struggle, which is where our friends and fellow travelers can help. Having the detached support of someone we trust who is not going through what we are, is so valuable. It’s not cold-hearted; it’s the long view, it is clarity from a distance.As children, we were often forced into doing hard things not of our choosing. Some naturally know how to mine that territory for self-awareness and self-confidence gold. If you find yourself suffering from a resentment hangover, wearing clothes made from the threads of bitterness, you are doing yourself a disservice. Guess what? You can flip this on a dime! How cool is that?May I suggest we take our struggles out of the garbage can of self-pity, and re-purpose them as heroic cloaks! Embroider them with “I Survived This and That, Too!”
And so we land on another playground of mindset. It’s not our history per se, it’s how we adapt to and think about the history. It’s OK to vent; it moves the energy. But don’t move on before claiming your gift. What did you learn? Where are you stronger? How are you lighter? Smarter? Kinder? Braver?Go forth. Start by re-visiting stories you have about your childhood. See how you can hop off the pity pot by reminding yourself: you didn’t have many or maybe any choices at that time. And you made it out! Cause celeb! Revisit last week’s post about claiming your subjecting reality — none of this is absolute.Sweep out the bitterness, once you’ve owned it. Remember, there’s always more to the story. No one gets through life without painful experiences; many of which we will never have a valid explanation for. No need to suffer for the sake of suffering, thinking it will earn you points. If you’re going to suffer, and you are, we all do, then let it fill you up with insights and pats on the back. Feed it to your garden of joy.It’s all about the energy, right? Not the action but the assessment of the action. Can you find the sweetness in a bitter field of pain? It’s there. How do you find it?
