Confidence Before Joy

One of the things I love about taking walks is how seemingly random ideas land in my brain, that I had not previously noticed. Often, they come in without a visible path — it’s not a step-by-step process on the route as I look down making sure not to trip over stones and the fast-growing buffalo gourd vines that are really taking off this time of year.No, it’s more like an asteroid, coming from the sky, a type of consciousness missile aimed for my brain.Today, it was an awareness that a lack of confidence or self-esteem can actually prevent one from experiencing happiness and joy and appreciation for the small (and large!) successes in life. It’s as if joy is a bubbling energy, hard to pin down, so it requires a stable base on which to land. It is so much harder to dance on a trampoline than a wood floor.When there are holes in one’s psyche, when the inner critic is calling most of the shots, there is no physical space for joy. One may accomplish something, and instantly, that voice pulls the rug out from underneath. Never being able to build a foundation — a foundation of self-worth — means that not only is happiness elusive, but so is “measurable success.”I see it clearly today in very mechanical terms. Without a solid base, no matter what we try to build will just rumble and crumble in short order. Curiously, I searched online for “confidence and joy” and oh my! This is rich territory that many others have addressed. It is a real thing. Do the search yourself and load up on the facts of this matter!Still, acquiring confidence and self-esteem can seem to be among the most esoteric tasks a human can undertake. These are all abstract concepts. Abstraction in art is so free and open to personalization. Abstraction in psychology allows continual evasiveness; there are always ‘good’ excuses to not do the hard stuff.At this point I’m pretty sure that my many past posts here on the value of doing the hard stuff, of getting out of one’s comfort zone, has led me to being the target for this ‘confidence before joy’ asteroid.

But so what? How does one build solid blocks out of elusive concepts?

Back in the early ‘90s, I joined a 10-day course, taught by Jack Canfield, the creator of the Self-Esteem for the Soul books. The seminar was titled “Becoming a Self-Esteem Facilitator.” I had already written a small pocket book called 30 Days to Body Esteem so I wasn’t exactly green to the topic.When I told my mom I was going, she laughed and said, “Why? You’ve never had any self-esteem!” Ouch! Those damn truths can really hurt. But two things: one, OK, she might have been right. But two, where else to get me some self-esteem than by immersing myself in a deeply experiential program away from home for ten days with a group of strangers???Sure enough, while there, I was given the opportunity to do one of the hardest things in my life. Please note the choice of words here: I did not say “I was forced to do one of the hardest things in my life.” So I think the first step on this confidence-building path is to see hard things as gifts, not punishments. We are lucky if life presents obstacles to us that we can use to learn more about ourselves and to learn to love ourselves more.Oddly, I cannot remember the exact interpersonal exercise we were doing that morning, mid-course, that dredged up my buried traumas. But I do remember sobbing hard in the middle of the 30-40 others in the course. Today, it’s called “ugly crying” and I was the poster girl that day. This is how shame can come out of the body and that too is necessary. Shame is one of the most slippery slopes, and it too prevents a solid foundation of confidence from being built. It contaminates the mortar that holds the bricks together.Jack and I had met previously, both as speakers on the “Self-Esteem circuit.” I focused on the body part of this adventure. This was the era of “I’m OK, You’re OK” but most people conveniently ignored bodies — the very place that houses shame and the very place that many thought, “My body? Definitely Not OK!” Instead, make some jokes and move on.At the beginning of the course, Jack had asked me if I would like to lead the group in an activity of some sort (esteem-building, not aerobics) during the 10 days. I was thrilled and honored to be asked! As life so often serves up, my presentation was scheduled for immediately after lunch on the day of my ugly crying meltdown.I went to Jack as we all broke for lunch and said, “I cannot do this. Not today. I’m so sorry and I hope you understand.” He looked me in the eye, kindness oozing out of him, and he held my shoulders. “No, I believe you can do this and I want you to do this. You have the lunch break to make the transition. I’m counting on you.”For lunch, I chose to leave the site and drive to the beach — we were having this amazing experience at an airport hotel conference room near LAX! The Pacific Ocean was only a couple of miles away.I took off my clothes, pretended my underwear was a bathing suit, and went into the cold sea to drain the last of my tears for the day. I then laid on the sand (no bathing suit and no towel either) and let the sun soothe my skin for a few minutes as I dried off. Then dressed, hop in the car, and back to the seminar.There was no time to do my usual stage prep. My hair was salty and unmanaged; my skin was crinkly also from leftover salt, my eyes still puffy, and no make-up (to which I was quite addicted at the time) in sight. Jack introduced me, saying a few kind words, and I was sure everyone was thinking: What is the ugly crier gonna say to us?I did my activity; the people participated; I hopped on the wave that a well-planned interaction can create, and forgot about my troubles for the duration. When it was complete, I received a standing ovation.And now, I was building some confidence and self-esteem. “If I can lead an emotional interaction with near strangers and get a huge round of applause, maybe I can do more in my life. Maybe I can begin to accept myself. Maybe I can stop shying away from hard things, and instead, embrace them. Maybe I have more strength than I realized. A lot of maybes, yes, you read that right, but these maybes were all pointing in the direction I wanted to go.I may a bit of a simpleton here, but if you, like me, had stumbles in childhood that blocked the acquisition of confidence, then perhaps it can be as plain as doing things we don’t want to do — with the support of others who believe in us. For what it’s worth, I went on to do a lot of uncomfortable things, strictly as exercises, to help me build an inner reserve of strength and confidence.Thank you for reading Mindset with Roxanne Darling. This post is public so feel free to share it.I used to be afraid to return items to the store, even if they were broken. I was aware of this trait, though rationalized that “It’s not that important and maybe I didn’t know how to use it properly. I don’t need the money back.” But then, another aha! I realized this was my inner critic keeping me scared and weak.So I gave myself the assignment to go buy things, take them out of the box, put them to the box nicely but not perfectly, and then go return them to the store. I mean, I know this sounds so silly now after Nordstrom’s and Costco have these cray cray “we’ll take anything back!” policies, but I was a little young grasshopper in the field of self-confidence. I knew I was suffering and I believed this was a way out.I could go on and on, but the formula is clear. To feel more joy, first build confidence and self-esteem. To build confidence and self-esteem, do things outside of your comfort zone. Then watch the doors of consciousness as they swing open for you and the sparkling light of self-love streams in.How many bricks will you lay in your confidence foundation this week? I would love so much if you tell me the hard things you are doing. I want to support you.P.S. I am late to post today because I spent my afternoon writing slot starting an online Spanish class! I live in New Mexico and it’s just time for me to remember what little I used to know and add a lot more. Sure, it’s gonna be hard, but! I’m excited for the unintended benefits, too. Then, lightning literally struck and I lost power for a few hours. What a day!