Catch Them Doing Right

Way back  in the ‘90s, the California legislature created a task force on Self-Esteem. Legislator John Vasconcellos had been studying the burgeoning research on the vast array of negative outcomes — both individually and collectively — that were associated with low self-esteem. It’s an age-old truism that we are limited in valuing others if we don’t value ourselves. If our own well of self-worth is dry, it’s hard to be kind to others.

How we treat others is a reflection of how we think about ourselves.John C. Maxwell

During this time, I was on the speaking circuit, talking about body esteem. If we don’t value ourselves, we very likely won’t value our bodies, and hence, are less likely to do the work required to care for them. It is a lot of work to maintain a healthy body, to be the person still wearing a mask in public, to be the designated driver, to forego an extra serving when the spread in front of us is so delicious! The rewards that come from these behaviors are usually not immediate, so there’s an added layer of foresight required to take these actions against the group mind.

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.Frederick Douglass

These ideas of promoting self-esteem as a way to foster well-adjusted children and create communities of respect were very popular in the education community. One speaker who left an impact on me (I’m sorry, I don’t recall her name) had a simple premise:Catch them doing something right.It’s prevalent in education and parenting and office culture, too, that pointing out mistakes is how to help people course-correct. Of course, there is some truth in that. However, the value of those criticisms fade quickly when all that is delivered is criticism and highlighting errors. This is doubly true when the delivery method is harsh and one-sided.This has become ingrained in our ‘online culture’ where there is a type of bonus system for the first person who can spot a flaw in someone’s reasoning and/or reporting. We’ve come to expect perfection (which often translates as little more than aligning perfectly with one’s own opinions) rather than being able look holistically and agree/disagree part by part.Giving praise for a job well done is just as important as finding flaws. We humans crave that acknowledgement; it literally puts gas in our tanks to keep us pursuing the hard stuff. Catching others doing something right is also a clear sign of one’s own emotional maturity and self-worth. This pool of value is like the proverbial candle - yours does not go out when you light another’s. Instead, together we create more light.One easy way to keep projects and classrooms and families “on the rails” while fostering self-worth in those around us is the “pono sandwich.” Pono is a Hawaiian word that loosely means “to do right” in the sense of respecting oneself and others, exhibiting equity, being virtuous and upright. So when course correction is called for, it’s done with a pono sandwich that delivers the desired change between two layers of ‘catching them doing something right.’Let’s say little Billy made a mess in his room and it’s time for the monthly cleanup. It’s fast and easy to yell upstairs:“Billy! Clean up that pig sty of a bedroom or you’re not going to the movies with your friends!” It might get the job done, but we can imagine Billy muttering to himself “Ok, I’ll do it but you don’t understand what’s happening in my room and I’ll resent you for making me do what I don’t want just to get out of this house.”In the pono sandwich version, we catch Billy doing something right — sure to get his positive attention! Then we deliver the request/reminder, and then follow up with more catching him in the right. I mean, who doesn’t like to be right?“Billy, I love your creativity. Those lego ships are truly impressive. It’s also time now for the monthly clean-up and organization we agreed to, including the dirty clothes on the floor. With your ability to work fast, I think you can get this done in plenty of time to meet your friends at the mall!”Yes, that takes more words and more patience. Yes, it often takes having negotiated some fair terms of engagement in advance. But it keeps everyone on the same team, in search of the greater good, building a better human in the process.This works as well with adults. We are aware of our needs and the needs of others. We can more easily remember the agreements we’ve made. We may also be more in touch with the mindset magic that occurs when slurs and demeaning comments are not part of the conversation.This notion of “catch them doing something right” applies just about everywhere all the time and in my experience, confers this very good feeling on the one catching these fish in the wild. It’s part of the gratitude and respect hologram; it spreads blessings all around. It’s one more tiny action that builds our mindset of “let’s feel better together.”May you move this from your mind to your body and fill your actions with seeing the good that exists in the world while adding to it.Thank you for reading and being part of the mindset community. ~ Rox