Spotlight on Shame
Last week, I shared that I have a running dialog in my brain, second-guessing and criticizing just about anything. A lot of that criticism takes on the role of shaming, which exists to right our compass when we’ve fucked up. But alas, most days we are just trying to have a life, amirite, and not specifically (and definitely not deliberately) fucking up.So this piece is to shine a light on shame, which it hates, as it thrives in the dark corners of our body-minds. The author, speaker, and psychologist Brené Brown has really tackled this topic in public, using her own experiences as well as those of the rest of us she has studied. I’m going to be sprinkling several of her quotes throughout here. I’ll also be ping-ponging back and forth between the shame we lavish on ourselves, and now on steroids, the shame we lavish on others. (Thank you or really damn you, internet and social media for convincing us we must have opinions and we must share them, and they must be negative, too.)
The Shame of Buying Things That Make Us Happy
By chasing lower and lower prices, we’ve taken the joy and confidence out of spending money which is another way of sharing gratitude and energy. There is no moral imperative to buy at the lowest possible price. This is where consciousness comes in, because, yes, in some ways money is a form of energy and we are biologically wired to conserve our energie$. It can feel really good to get a really good deal! But think of the seller, for a moment, because they got a really bad deal.
There is no moral imperative to buy at the lowest possible price.
If something brings you joy, what is that worth? It’s worth lies outside of the transactional definitions of a money exchange, we know it and we feel it, and yet we “discount” it quickly if someone learns the price we paid — we start making excuses instead of staying in the joy.Back in 2004, I bought a home in Hawai‘i. It cost $430,000 for a 1000 sq ft, single-wall construction bungalow. It was in the seedy part of this little beach town, and yet, magically also only five blocks from one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. My friends told me (especially my realtor friends), “Ack! You are buying at the top of the market!” Mathematically, they were correct at that time. But I wanted to have a home, and we fixed it up nicely, and then sold it for $690,000 five years later when we moved to Maui. You may or may not be surprised to know it is currently valued at $1.2 Million on Zillow. So, the “top of the market” is a rising tide, at least in this part of Hawai‘i.Meanwhile, the ‘collective we’ will spend days researching something or driving across town, draining our TIME Accounts massively, just to ‘save a buck.’Meanwhile, meanwhile, my friend Aliza Sherman is over on Instagram bragging about the joy of her LA blowout and I am here for that!
“This is my indulgence when I travel to LA. @thedrybar It only lasts an hour or so but in those moments, I feel pampered and feminine and a little spoiled. Frivolous. Selfish. Yeah. All that.”
Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee... to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, to be this vulnerable means that we’re alive.- Brené Brown
The Shame of Taking Care of Ourselves
Speaking of taking care of yourself — as in weight, exercise, nutrition — these are things now to be ashamed of (NOT). Body positivity ideas have done so much to support SELF-ACCEPTANCE (one of my favorite themes to feel better together) and remove the moral imperatives to be thin and blond etc. But in some areas we’ve gone too far because that’s what humans do. If you put effort into your self-care, please, never let anyone make you feel bad about that, especially yourself! I am 70 and love that I feel 50. It’s giving me a leg up on the future: less physical suffering and medical costs.I’d love to hear how you care for yourself! Please share with us your secret sauce for self-care. We can always use more inspiration in that area of being human.We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.- Brené Brown
Here’s me fresh off a snorkel in Hawai‘i where I saw two sharks, two turtles, an eel, and a school of damsel fish. I was in heaven. Please absorb some joy.
The Shame of Taking Risks
OK, so let’s talk about this Titanic submersible experience before it completely gets forgotten. There are all kinds of reasons why it might have been a “bad” idea, however! The lure of the unknown and the ability to take risks is what makes life worth living for some. Who am I to deprive someone of that? And by the way, look at how fascinated the collective “we” were by all that! How cool that others created this adventure the rest of us got to follow without submerging ourselves into 10,000 feet of liquid cold darkness.It’s another form of travel. Some like to get on the tuk tuk in Thailand and see where they end up in the sweltering 90º temperatures and 90% humidities, while others like to watch Rick Steves on the TV. To me, it’s all good! Take risks or don’t; it doesn’t really matter. But please. leave those who do, alone. You have a choice not to join the Buzz Kill Club online.Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.- Brené Brown
You have a choice not to join the Buzz Kill Club online.
So, bottom line, be weird, because that’s how you be you. Fuck all them who can’t feel the joy; maybe they will one day. And them includes all those voices inside your own head.This video is from the ‘90s! It’s still relevant. EnJOY! Let’s feel better together!