Maybe I'm Wrong?
It’s a common enough habit: to lose something and generate the initial reaction that it was stolen or someone else took it somehow or misplaced it. I know I’ve fallen prey to this thinking. I believe it’s the monkey mind, the old limbic brain once again jumping to conclusions from the safety of “It’s not my fault!” Because sometimes blame can feel life-threatening to the little people inside us.Like many pervasive anti-consciousness ideas, it may seem fruitless to think we can stop or abandon it altogether. I hear the echos of “It’s just human nature!” I disagree, it is not hopeless and it is only one iteration of human nature! It is, instead, yet another opportunity for consciousness.I’ve been working on a 1000-piece puzzle for the past several months. As I crept closer and closer to finishing, and had fewer pieces to consider for each empty space, I began to question whether I had dropped some or if the package came missing a few. I would swear that I studied the shapes closely. I can tell you how I sorted the pieces whether they were nubs up or empty nub holes up. I would try, I think, every single piece and not be able to place it. I started to count the remaining pieces when there were about 20 remaining, still struggling.Until, with about 10 pieces left, the pieces started to fill in with little effort. And within a few minutes, I had completed the puzzle. Every single piece was there. Every single piece fit perfectly. There were no missing pieces, nor were there extra pieces. It was another manufacturing marvel! The machines had cut the pieces, assembled then in a plastic bag, sealed it, and placed the bag in a round cardboard container to ship the puzzle off to retail stores.I observed myself going to this negative place during the puzzle assembly. As I was by myself for most of the challenge, I had several conversations with myself.Limbic Brain Me: “I’m sure we’ve lost some pieces. There is just not a single piece that fits this hole and that hole there.”Conscious Me: “Maybe, I mean it is possible. I did spill a couple of pieces on the floor midway through. I noticed that and picked them up. But I suppose it’s possible I missed one or two?”Limbic Brain Me: “Yes, it could be your fault, this is a big space and the pieces are tiny. But also, maybe the puzzle shipped without all the pieces!”Conscious Me: “I mean, I think they have figured out how to make and package and ship puzzles without losing pieces. You recall, that I opened this sealed container from the store and haven’t taken it anywhere else?”Limbic Brain Me: “Well, yes, that’s true, but maybe there was prankster on the assembly line. Remember when that friend of yours worked in the auto assembly plant in Dearborn when you were in high school? And he said that sometimes people packed a leftover sandwich in the sealed door pocket?”Conscious Me: “LOL, that was over 50 years ago, and you are still tracking it? I don’t even know if he was telling the truth or just pulling a high school prank.”Without further suspense, I am thrilled to tell you I completed the puzzle and all the pieces were placed perfectly!
Going Deeper
Underneath this blaming and shaming is not just a fear of “looking bad” or “getting caught in a mistake.” It is often a lack of knowing how to manage our emotional selves. Growing up where mistakes were framed as learning opportunities is a vastly different playground than growing up where mistakes were seen as character flaws, were punished harshly, and rarely forgiven. In the short term, one could blame the parents for this acquired defect of rapidly turning blame onto others or one could acknowledge the deficit and set out to correct it. After all, it is pretty common, don’t you think?Learning how to soothe ourselves, talk positively to ourselves, at that initial moment of missing a puzzle piece or coming up short on a work project, changes everything. It calms the nervous system. That in turn expands the range of options visible to us. That leads to being able to choose the most constructive steps to take.As I was feeling so sure I had lost puzzle pieces (or the company shipped me 998 instead of 1000) I talked to myself with that ever useful message:“Right now, we just don’t know! It’s too soon. You may think I tried every piece to fill that space but there’s a decent chance I haven’t.”This is, in a way, a choice to move in the direction of optimism instead of pessimism. Optimism holds potential; pessimism shuts the door. It’s not “more realistic” to give up and assume the worst; it actually shuts down creativity in the brain when it is sorely wanted. Not just a creative solution, but first, a way to engage a wider array of thoughts and possibilities. The more we lay these out in our self-talk to ourselves, the more functional we become.It feels better, too, in my experience as calm moves in and anxiety departs.
Go Further
This is a wonderful article on the topic of blaming others, especially when it comes to our negative behaviors and anger in particular:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201811/7-consequences-blaming-others-how-we-manage-anger
“Blaming others may work in the short-term—but it is powerfully disempowering.”
A Few Words from the Internet:
Before we go, I felt compelled to search online for missing puzzle pieces. Here are a few things I found.https://www.seriouspuzzles.com/jigsaw-puzzles/missing-a-piece/If you have even a moderate amount of experience with jigsaw puzzles, you've probably encountered the horror of realizing that your beloved puzzle is nearly complete... all except for a MISSING PIECE! [Noooooooooooo!]Fear Not! -- The good news is: with modern manufacturing methods, a missing piece at manufacturing time is really quite rare. It's likely your piece is within reach! Follow the instructions below and your chances of finding the absent puzzle piece will be quite good.https://www.reddit.com/r/Jigsawpuzzles/comments/10syreh/do_puzzles_really_come_with_missing_pieces/Top Vote: I've had 2 new puzzles of about 50 to 75 in the last 2 years that I've contacted the manufacturer for.I was humbled recently when I went to a friend's for tea and a rogue piece fell out of my sweater sleeve in his kitchen ... I thought, ok...it COULD be my fault sometimes... lol!