Embracing Weird Comforts

Last week we talked about how easy it is to unconsciously project blame and fault on anything or anyone outside of ourselves. It was a default primitive behavior, seemingly connected to survival instincts, but in these modern times, can be childish, unproductive, and stress-inducing. That stress shows up not just in ourselves, but in others who are on the receiving end of our projections.It’s all well and good to think or say, “OK, just stop doing that.” But emotionally, psychologically, it’s hard and takes ongoing practice to master. And it’s best done, not as a solitary task on its own, but in a container of self-development and maturity.When I listened to a recent episode of Conan O’Brien’s podcast, “Conan Needs  Friend,” another piece of the puzzle fell into place for me. By the way, what a great title! Conan embraces his neediness for wanting to be loved in such a brash and unabashed manner!The October 23, 2023 episode (link below) was an interview with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, and Steve Albini, in celebration of the 30th anniversary since the making of Nirvana’s “In Utero” album. I loved this episode for many reasons: Conan is one of the best interviewers out there due to his encyclopedic knowledge of history and humanity, but also for the wide-ranging conversation of how creative things get made and the surprising little things that contribute way above their weight.The part I want to share with you concerns Kurt’s habit of finding comfort in an old, wack acoustic guitar and how the band and the producers let it happen because it first and foremost, it soothed Kurt, and as an aside, didn’t ruin the end result of the music. Here’s a brief, rough transcript of this little anecdote, with various people chiming in:

“Even on the songs that have like big, dynamic harsh bits, when he was recording the vocals, he always had that little toy, that little broken acoustic guitar, and he was strumming the guitar, strumming along….there’ll be this funky sounding acoustic guitar which was kind of a comfort thing for him…. It was a 12-string with 6 strings on it and then it wouldn’t stay in tune… It was a total piece of junk… He was more comfortable singing if he was strumming along on this guitar. You hear this acoustic guitar under a lot of the vocals in a lot of these songs… and it stayed on the record because it didn’t sound bad. It sounded fine.”

So raging tough guy Kurt Cobain had a broken down old guitar that soothed him as he sang, and he carried it with him like Linus and his blanket. I know, it breaks open a bunch of stereotypes.I realized that to have the spine to admit fault, to stop projecting blame, as we discussed last week, requires the ability to self-comfort. And once knowing this, to practice it on the regular so when we do have to step out of our familiarity, we’ve built up a reserve.This doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The band and the producer, after doing some head-scratching over it, decided to support Kurt and let him have this funky guitar. So it’s essential that we cultivate relationships where our self-comforting quirks can be tolerated and even perhaps appreciated.Of course, “quirks” live on a spectrum like everything else, and sometimes one person’s quirks are just too much for another person’s similarly delicate neurology to handle. But before judging and rejecting on the whole, why not have some conversations about it? Why not put the point of self-comforting on a small pedestal and let it have some conscious attention?And if it really bothers the other person without seriously affecting the results, well, that’s a button being pushed that could also be unplugged. In the early stages of romantic love, there are few buttons in sight. But over time, they start rising from behind the curtains that are being opened, one by one, as intimacy develops.Putting some of these habits (initially cute perhaps but then irritating over time) into this container of self-comforting, creates a new perspective for me.The value of self-care is worth cultivating. It can be life-saving. It can also become a precious story on a podcast 30 years later, as three amazing musicians recall their dear friend, no longer with us.If you were to ask yourself now, are you better at accepting others’ quirks or your own, what would the answer be? I think it’s worth a 5-minute ponder. Maybe we don’t need to change as much as we or others think we should. Maybe these oddball self-comforting mechanisms can not only serve a purpose but also add flavor and texture to our personalities and our relationships? Things, that when someone passes, we remember precisely because they were odd and unexpected.I know for myself, I tend to give others all the benefits of a doubt and can be harsher on myself to fit in. “Don’t do things that make other people uncomfortable,” plays over and over in my monkey mind. Too much of this ends up repressing the very things that will support me in the world! With the amazing benefit of getting older and running out of f*cks to give, I’m embracing the little oddballs that comfort me so I can be more present, more conscious, and most definitely kinder, in this goofy world we share.Thank you, Conan, for another inspired conversation!https://teamcoco.com/podcasts/conan-obrien-needs-a-friend/episodes/dave-grohl-krist-novoselic-and-in-utero-producer-steve-albini