Are You Too Hard on Yourself Or Not Hard Enough?
Before we dive into today's topic, I want to highlight the other items in this post and hope you will read through to the end. Thank you!
Being Hard on Oneself
A reader emailed me recently after reading My Venn Diagram and shared, “You are writer, and a good one at that. I don’t understand why you are hard on yourself!”I thought this was an astute observation and one I wanted to delve into further. It fits with the new year, and the flood of advice and admonition to take yet another stab at bettering ourselves. The extremist position of "I'm OK, You're OK!" works very well on the metaphysical level. Yes. We are spirit beings, here to play as Kurt Vonnegut reminds us, as self-acceptance truly is the golden experience of being human. No changes required.
“We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you different.”~ Kurt Vonnegut
Back here in the realm of the psychological, I believe being hard on myself feeds one of my core beliefs: That’s how I survived! The process of self-examination is core to personal growth and raising one’s consciousness. (Like every human behavior, it can be over-done.) Let’s talk about how and where to draw that line, a line that is more like a squiggle, a spiral, a collection of dots. And like many human experiences, those who are drawn into it have little (or at least less) to worry about than those who are oblivious and never experience the benefits of self-inquiry.
“Ambivalence is where real life happens.”~ Brooke Shields
I watched Oppenheimer last night, and at one point, he, Oppenheimer, mentions to his friend Chevalier, not wanting to be part of the 'selfish, awful people.' To which Chevalier replied, and I quote loosely here, 'The selfish, awful people don't know they are that way.' Ignorance is sometimes bliss, sure, but it also can contribute to selfish, awful behaviors towards others.As a child, I was subject to years of "selfish, awful behaviors." Then, as barely a teenager at age 14, I was raped. This pattern of abuse (of which there is more) led me to assume there was something wrong with me. And it was on me to figure out what that was and correct it. So the seeds of my (perhaps!) extreme practice of self-examination gave me a semblance of control in my life where I otherwise had little. This practice of being hard on myself, bettering myself, gave me hope that things could be better.I would make them better.It also built in me a deep well of compassion for others and their struggles. And yes, it has on occasion led to me being too hard on myself.That took the form of never resting so long as someone else needed help (clients included), radically putting others first (which I am radically pulling back from now), and asking myself on the daily, 'How can I be more aware, more kind, more generous, yet also more Me?'
Here's a quick story.
Back in about 2012-2013, I was often working til 10-11 pm at night while my partner was on the sofa watching Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. I was managing the family finances, the client billables, the remodel, and the minimal social calendar we had. Yes, I knew it was out of balance but I told myself this stuff had to be done and I wasn't a TV watcher anyway. When I brought it up in therapy, it was suggested I make a list of the things 'on my plate' and share it with my partner as an attempt at re-balancing. Ask him, what could he take on to lighten my load?So I made the list. It had about 15 (!) things on it. Still, only a partial inventory, as I intentionally selected things I thought he could take over with a minimal learning curve. Here's how it went down: he looked at the list, freaked out and said essentially, "There's no way I can handle all that!" Of course, handling ½ or even ⅓ would have made a difference in my life. But in the freak out, he got up from the table and walked away. The case was closed and I went back to doing the work.It took me 11 years to finally walk away myself. Yes, some things changed — the improvements lulled me into more hope for more change. I continued to work on myself, as this therapist had said that was one of the benefits of staying. "He highlights the areas you are unhappy and can build a stronger self."I did learn. I did change. I did become a stronger person. I love myself more than ever. So being hard on myself has reaped rewards. Now, though, I am choosing to be with people who are self-aware, who are also a little hard on themselves in that sense, those who are not ignorant of their selfish and awful behaviors.I imagine, most of you who've been drawn to my writing and speaking over the years are of the "too hard on yourself" collective vs. those who are perhaps not hard enough. So I thank you, as your wisdom and willingness to expand who you are does indeed make the world a better place. I feel compelled to add that this has nothing to do with extrovert-ism or introvert-ism — those are just different flavors of being present. It is the willingness to examine oneself and become more self-accepting. Shame and self-rejection are often the underbelly of the selfish and awful behaviors, even if we don't see a straight line connecting the two.If you are too hard on yourself, maybe dial it back a little and realize you are already growing and changing. And this is where forgiveness plays a part.
"Claiming your spirit back is technically called forgiveness."~ Carolyn Myss
Thank you for reading and bringing your presence into this wild and amazing world.
Memoir Reading
I've mentioned a few times over that past year that I've been writing in a 12-month memoir workshop. It wraps up this month, mid-January, and we are hosting a free reading featuring the 9 writers in the class, supported by author Chloe Caldwell. (Not all writers may read but I am scheduled.) Each of us will read for about five minutes after a brief intro by Chloe. It will be help over Zoom, on January 23rd, at 7 pm ET/4 pm PT. This experience has deepened my writing skills, built my courage, clarified my voice, and more. I've got over 125 pp written, now to be edited and supplemented with even more writing. (No, I'm not done yet.)
Writing Workshops Org
New in 2024
I was speaking to a dear friend (and subscriber) over the weekend and we both realized that the multitude of changes haven't quite risen to top of mind! So please allow me to spell things out for you.
- Due to the fact that Substack (where this used to be housed) tolerates Nazi content, I and many other authors have left that platform. Over the holiday break, I migrated everything over to this new place, called Ghost.
- I also decided to offer this newsetter as a paid membership. I know this is a radical idea! It's my out-of-the-box experiment to reduce noise and clutter while creating a more intimate and private community who value my work and want to be connected to like-minded souls. If you had time left on your subscription, it has travelled with you. If you were a free subscriber, your access will close at the end of January. I've made several payment levels and a 20% lifetime savings plan. Read more about it on The Fees page.If you choose not to opt-in, there is nothing else to do besides enjoy the January posts.
- I made a page to explain my commitments to you here. Plus, I intend to offer more benefits and ways for us to support each other once the dust settles in February. One of my favorite Hawaiian words, is Imua! It means to paddle forward together.
- I'm gathering recommendations and have started a page for them.I realize many of you know little about my experience or expertise. If you'd like to submit one, that would make me very happy.
- BTW, I fixed the reply! If you tried to reply to the Private Message I sent this past weekend, and it bounced, that was my error. I am so sorry if that happened to you.
Save on Biophilic Art
I am thrilled to share that I sold one of my single edition abstract photographs this past week. It is heading out to Florida today. I would like to thank you for being here, as we feel better together, by offering a coupon code for 25% off the Single Edition works of art (MINDSET25) and 10% off the Open Edition prints (MINDSET10). These coupons are good through February 29th at Biophilic Art Photography.