The Sweet Spot of Self-Pity: Part 2
Last week I broached the topic of pity, self-pity, and what we informally call victim energy. It’s impossible to get through life without pain and problems. Consciousness is in part the gift of being able to choose how we want to respond. At one end, there are the valiant ones who want to rise above and believe that these things don’t affect us. At the other end, are those who get stuck on the pity pot and don’t know how to get off.Both extremes are dysfunctional in my opinion and deny the grace of being human. Since this topic has been top of mind for me as I heal from surgery and a broken wrist, I want to share some ideas on how to navigate these pains and problems with the goal of strengthening oneself. Let’s come out of it with new insights, new behavioral tools, and make room for both gratitude and forgiveness.
Put Things in Context
I find it nearly impossible not to compare my difficulties to others. So, instead, I use these comparisons to both be kind to myself while also detaching from the self-pity.For example, the broken wrist has caused me to lose about two months of income-earning ability; it has significantly impaired my daily activities leading to everything taking way more time. That has a cascade, of course.Nonetheless, I cannot go a full minute of complaining without a voice knocking in my head, “Ah, yes, but so many people have it so much worse.” This is definitely a bigger truth! Being a news junkie, I’m flooded with feelings for the people in Ukraine, the children especially in Gaza, the hostages being held around the globe by brutal humans.What I choose to do with this context is to remember we are all connected here. Just as I can pick up the suffering of others, so can I share my pleasures. There is an old Tantric saying I love:As I receive pleasure, so the Universe receives pleasure through me.One of the most pleasurable parts of my healing is my daily mini-bath. Up until last week, my scar needed protection from water so I had to wrap it before bathing, keep it dry, etc. I found that filling the tub with just about 6” of warm water was so soothing and relaxing for me. I then used the hand-held shower to rinse my hair, etc. Being in water is one of my top pleasures. I know it's instantly relaxing me and this relaxation helps the healing. It made me aware how much I was straining and even holding my breath as I worked though daily tasks. The bath turns out to be my favorite "me time" and "me thing."Then I take it one step further: I imagine my comfort going out to others who are suffering. I indulge myself and then I share the pleasure as best I can. I keep this context conscious and use it as broadly as I can.
Adjust Appropriately
Pretending I’m not impaired is not reasonable as each week I have people I must ask for help and others who will have to wait to receive things from me. It makes no sense to try and sweep it under the rug; I want to heal as best I can and that largely dictates how and what I do.In spiritual communities, we talk about the “spiritual bypass.” This is the act of pretending “I can handle this and should not complain or feel sorry for myself. I will not be human; I will be superhuman." Too often, though, it ends up being a way of suppressing the frustrations that are part of the experience of being a spirit being having a human experience. Why deny humanity? Why not instead be grounded and accept that sometimes this life sucks and that’s OK.
Get Off Your Case
Self-criticism has its uses and also its limits. While I find sitting on the pity pot somewhat paralyzing, I find self-criticism to be energizing. It creates a sense of control, even if a poor one. Again, though, I find comparisons useful. I get off my case by being inspired by others. One of my first thoughts with this broken wrist was “Jeez! Bethany Hamilton had her entire arm bitten off by a shark!”Rather than think of how I could have prevented this break, I choose to explore our unique gifts and challenges. This is not necessarily to copy but to be open to letting the inspiration of others come into me.I was checking out at a shop this past week and would you guess, the cashier was missing the lower part of her arm! No wrist or hand at all. I held up my bandaged wrist and said, “You are my inspiration!” She was truly joyful and immediately replied, “Have you figured out how to put on your bra yet?” And proceeded to mime the process for me. Now that is life serving up dessert.
Doing Things for Others
This immediately shifts the self-pity energy. I saw a thread on social about posting public praise for authors – as writing is indeed a lonely task. I wrote a while ago about thanking people who came to work today and thereby helped me, when out shopping. Not only does it light them up, it distracts my whiny inner self from focusing on my problems.You may be tired of hearing about it, but gratitude really does shift the energy. In the end, it’s not what we do but how we feel, I believe, that matters in life. Start with how you want to feel and the actions and their results will follow.Self-Pity is the shadow expression of Feeling Free. Knowing the shadow provides a road map for changing course. We are not at the mercy of life, even though life is not fair and reality can definitely bite! There is room to make our own energy, cultivate our own attitudes, determine how we want to feel.
I've embedded this meditation, I love myself, into this post. For now, let's just sit with it. I'll say more in a future post. Notice how you feel as you read it over and over.Thank you for reading. Here's a bonus photo to make sure you made it to the zen zone.
