The Sweet Spot of Self-Pity: Part 1
I'd like to begin by owning up to my gut-level aversion to the word "pity." So I hopped over to the dictionary for some clarity about the word itself, as an exercise in learning and objectivity:
And now I am enlightened. I see no victim energy here, even though I'd associated pity and victim as two friends on a bench holding hands.I have even more aversion to self-pity, so let's keep going here.
Now, it's making sense. And we have some glimmers as to why I've been called Ice Queen, hard ass, and someone who has "too much integrity" aka not enough softness for others to break the rules for them. This is incredibly ironic once you remember all the times I've also outed myself for being so codependent, reflexively putting others first to a fault. So this is one of the battlegrounds I spend time on in my consciousness journeys.It's front and center as I'm now one month from breaking my wrist and all the associated pain, frustration, and inconveniences have caught up with me and drained my normally full pond of optimism. I've observed myself feeling sorry for myself to the point of bitterness. "This was not my fault and yet here I am irritated and frustrated AF!" I ascribe many of the whiny thoughts and feelings to my inner monkey, she of little patience and even less understanding.The trap of too much self-pity moves one into being a victim, to generate more pity. That little voice says, "Keep the pain because it gives you sympathy and power. People should feel sorry for me! Don't get well too fast. Make the one who caused this feel bad, longer." But I want to heal as fast as humanly possible.I broke my wrist when my friend's dog knocked me down. She’s been driving me to my occupational therapy appointments. And I observed myself when she asked "How is it doing? Is it getting better?" There was this brief moment of "Oh, no, don’t let her off the hook. Don’t let her stop feeling bad for what her dog did to me. She owes me something for this. She (and her IMO lack of dog control) is at fault here." And I’m sure this attachment and not wanting to let others 'off the hook' is quite common. I’m also sure that it’s often unconscious.I’ve realized though I would not be the happy, joyful, productive — I would even say successful person — that I have become if I had stayed attached to being a victim of childhood abuse and mistreatment by others. We have a choice in our lives: which side do we want to be on — the victim or the survivor? And this beautiful survivor movement we have now, across so many domains, wasn’t content even with surviving and so they created thriving to come into our consciousness, our collective consciousness. Yes, I want to thrive not wallow in blame and self-pity.But even without massive trauma, we’ve all been wrong about one essential aspect of life: it is definitely not fair. It’s a myth we cling to, I’m not sure why, and I’m not gonna get diverted right now to go into that. (I will say I have a strong preference for fairness and work hard to bring it into my life!)But the sooner we accept that life is not fair, then we have a whole different set of tools to play with, to fill ourselves with our own magnificence, to enjoy our lives as best we can. Because I do believe it is a choice. And it is a choice that’s easier to make when we are conscious of all of that rumination that runs 24/7 in the back of the mind.The cool side result is that creative options begin to appear. For example, I'm keeping track of my out-of-pocket medical costs and intend to ask my friend for reimbursement. I believe she will want to do this as she's told me how badly she feels about her dog plowing in to me. Plus, when we have consequences and pay those bills, that too is consciousness-raising. It will be harder to pretend that this dog doesn't have issues of self-control. And that will benefit all of us who walk the roads and the trails in the neighborhood.Next week I'll bring you Part 2, examining those times we ignore or pretend we can rise above without addressing the situation, or when we easily see others' suffering so much that we go overboard in ignoring our own pain. Each of us has a sweet spot and I imagine it varies given the circumstances — both external and internal. I hope you'll give this juicy topic some thought and see if it's due for a tune-up.Thank you for reading. And remember, when February ends, so do the free newsletters. You can read more here.
More Quotes!
Who will send in one or more this week?Reader Beca Lewis sent these in:From me:The one I say all the time (and people know me for):“What you perceive to be reality magnifies.”AND a few extra:“Third acts in life are an opportunity to open doors to places unexplored. Resist the idea that you can’t.”“What we practice is what we become.Start new ones that work.Delete old ones that don’t.”“What would you do with your life if no one cared but you about what you did? Do that.”And two that I love from others:“If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.” ~William Blake“Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings.” ~Victor Hugo