Do the Hard Stuff
Last week I mentioned the California legislature’s Task Force to Promote Self-esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. You can read the final report here. 1I believe it was a very earnest effort and a behavior/psychology-first approach to reducing crime instead of the usual — more punishment and less understanding of the root causes of crime and interpersonal harms. Humans being humans, though, many scraped a few superficial ideas off the surface, leading others to derisively nick-name this work as the “everyone gets a trophy” movement. This was misguided and divisive, not to mention, it completely ignored the second half of the task force’s title:Personal and Social ResponsibilityPersonal Responsibility is many attributes rolled into one phrase that all fall under the idea of being able to respond to what happens in one’s life. Here are a few thoughts on the topic in no particular order:
- Following through on commitments
- Owning up to mistakes
- Avoiding blaming others
- Taking into account the world around us, not just the facts we want to see
- Being truthful, as lies undermine the speaker and the listener
- Being willing to make difficult decisions
- Accepting the consequences of one’s actions
- Facing fears with curiosity and a desire to learn
Social Responsibility takes this to a broader playground where we see and accept the impact of our behaviors on the larger community. This is harder to define so I like to focus on intention. It is impossible to never hurt another, to avoid making all mistakes, to pretend there is any such thing as a perfectly ethical existence. At the end of the day, one can grow their self-esteem and self-acceptance by being aware of their intentions and their impacts on others. We all face an impossible tension here: to thine own self be true versus acting in the best interests of society.Wordnik has a simple definition I like:
A voluntarily assumed obligation toward the good of society at large as opposed to the self alone.
The first word, voluntary, is what gives us a choice. There are times when it makes sense to put oneself first. Other times, we can create the triple win with a little dose of consciousness.The investing community has taken this concept by the reigns, notably by Calvert Investment Funds2 who helped develop the ESG model:E: Environmental sustainability and resource efficiencyS: Equitable Societies and respect for human rightsG: Accountable Governance and transparent operationsNot everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James BaldwinIt makes sense to me to build personal responsibility first. It’s one more iteration of the “put on your mask first” philosophy we’ve come to understand. Unlike on the airplane, though, there are so many benefits to taking personal responsibility. It can be hard! But the rewards are a life more grounded, more fun (oddly enough, right?), more curious, and all the other experiences that come when one is filled up with self-esteem and self-confidence and self-acceptance.
Doing the Hard Stuff
How do we grow, and grow up, without doing things that are hard, that we resist, that we want to avoid? I don’t think we can. And this is why the “everybody gets a trophy” movement was misguided and superficial. Developing long-term response-ability skills is not about feeling good in the moment but about building deep skills inside of us. So I’ll share a few examples from my own life to help illustrate.
Teaching Through Tears
In my first marriage, my husband was suffering from serious depression. There were many days I would be at home, deep into sobbing, trying to help him and myself, without the necessary skills. I owned a movement studio in Santa Cruz at the time and taught several classes a week, at different times of the day. When 3:30 pm arrived, I had to wash my face, Murine® my eyes, add a little happy-face makeup, and head into the studio to teach my class. I DID NOT WANT TO GO. I felt miserable, afraid, lost, and confused. But I had to show up — it was my business after all, my class, my income, my students. And without a single exception, I always felt better afterward. Being there for myself and for others, with the bonus of movement and music, was guaranteed to get me off the pity pot while I earned a few dollars. To this day, having to set my personal pain aside built a set of muscles that have helped me live a more fun and functional life. I am so grateful for having that job.
Surviving the Storm
Another time, in college, I was on a research mission to a tiny spit in the middle of the Caribbean Sea called Aves Island. We had been dropped off for three weeks to study the sea turtles who nest there. On our first night after the support ship left, we faced an enormous tropical storm. I stood all night long in 60 mph winds to hold up the gear tent which contained our precious survival radio and scientific equipment. (The waves were covering that tiny sand bridge you can see in the center of the photo above; we were a measly 9’ above sea level.) We could bear to lose some food (which we did) but the tech stuff was essential for our lives and the research. And, that is one of my top memories! We did the hard and scary stuff and lived (and learned) to talk about it.
Salty Self-Esteem
My last example goes back to that 10-day Self-Esteem Facilitator course with Jack Canfield. I had already been leading workshops, giving keynote speeches, and had written a book on the topic of body esteem. Jack offered to let me lead the class in an experiential exercise on this topic one day after lunch. Great, right? Except, that morning, just before lunch, he led us in a deeply penetrating and exposing personal exercise that dredged up some very painful (and apparently unresolved) personal issues. I and others in the class were sobbing! Plowing through the tissues as the dams were breaking, I thought, “There is no way I can take the stage, today.” I was embarrassed by my vulnerability, which itself was filled with self-doubt. I told Jack, “I just can’t.” He told me he believed in me and I had the lunch hour to collect myself.Fortunately, the workshop was in Los Angeles, near the ocean. So I skipped the food part you normally think of as “lunch” and hopped in my car. I went straight to the beach, dove in the cold California coastal water, and co-mingled more salty tears with the Pacific. Then I returned with wet hair and a little sand in my pants. (I had no bathing suit so I mind-controlled my underwear to be seen as a “bikini.”) I gave my presentation and was rewarded with a standing ovation and this testimonial from Jack:Mary Anne [before my name changed to Roxanne] is a dynamic, powerful, loving, energetic, humorous and effective presenter. She walks her talk and it shows in her personal vibrancy, her depth of knowledge, and her engaging style. She creates an atmosphere in which people feel safe to participate and motivated to apply in their own lives what they have learned.Those words and that support still ride with me when I’m peddling uphill, feeling hopeless, or thinking why bother. Funny side note: when I signed up for the course with Jack and told my mom, she said “Why are you doing that? You’ve never had any self-esteem!” Well, Mom, I think we’ve answered that question.Life serves up all kinds of treats from the Hard Stuff Menu on a daily basis. I invite you to munch a bunch and take in this soul-filling and self-esteem-building nourishment.
Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash