Getting Help: There's So Much Here to Support Us
It’s human to denigrate, criticize, demean, nitpick, doubt, and otherwise think less of ourselves (and others). Sure, it can lead to some “improvements” if you are a student of consciousness but it also can seriously undermine our ability to respond, to create, to love ourselves and others. So today I want to talk about the “just do it” school of self-acceptance inside the soup pot of unlimited support.
An Example: The Memoir Project
I’ve thought about and talked about writing a memoir for decades — and that’s not an exaggeration. By happenstance, I tripped across a year-long memoir-writing workshop with Chloe Caldwell last fall. The price was over $7000; the course runs from Jan - Dec 2023. I hadn’t heard of Chloe; I hadn’t read her work or read any testimonials from her students. She is young. This could be embarrassing to admit; nonetheless, something in my intuition told me to go for it. So I applied.On the one hand, it’s a lot of money to come up with, though there are payment plans. I didn’t put a lot of time into “due diligence.” On the other hand, it’s for a year! And there are over a dozen guest writers who will join us. There are weekly lessons, readings, and writing critiques that will compel me to commit to writing.Without enrolling in something, it was looking like I would just keep getting high on the brain crack of thinking about writing a memoir, which, TBH, can feel better than the work of actually writing. So I applied, putting my fate and faith ‘in the process.’The math was this: only one in five who applied was accepted. I felt special, grateful, pressured, eager, and frightened. The monkey mind repeatedly chastised me: you are a writer; been doing that most of your life and have been published, too. You have at least an average amount of self-discipline, some would say an extreme amount. You are not earning what you used to. There’s nothing special about your story. You don’t need this and you shouldn’t bother doing this. And so on.Then I realized, how silly! There’s no way I would be learning what I am learning — the teacher has put in so much work to bring us the assignments, find the amazing platform we are using (Wet Ink), share her network of writers and editors, etc. I’ve now flipped and see accepting (LOL, paying for) this kind of support is exactly how I want it to be doing it, how I want to write a memoir.Only some humans can work successfully on their own; the rest of us have *the luxury* of being able to work together. (Notice the word luxury - getting help is not a penance or a shortcoming in my new way of thinking.) To have the looming due dates guiding us to our goals like guardian angels. To surrender some of that all-American independence and come together in a collective of intellectual and emotional and even spiritual support. This is where I also mention how much I appreciate the other writers in the group, how their stories already move me, entertain me, and enlighten me though we’ve been together less than a month.
Tell Me What To Do ≠ Do It For Me
This post is a big shout-out to the benefits of asking and paying for help, following a syllabus, and taking a chance with a group of strangers who are all helping me do something that’s been on my bucket list for a very long time. I’ve kicked the critic to the curb, she who thinks I should be able to tackle something as daunting as a memoir all by my lonesome self. This is also not easier (getting help) than doing it on my own. Trust me here — I would not be able to come up with the volume of assignments and the speed pacing of this workshop on my own. Having a teacher and a syllabus is not a shortcut.I mean, I’m the only one who’s gonna write this thing — no one can do that but me. I’ve got (hopefully!) plenty of opportunities to claim bragging rights for having made a book if in fact, I get there. No guarantees at this point that this will actually happen. It’s still my job to make it happen.I find it odd that I think of myself as such a generous person and freely give in all kinds of ways, yet I often resist paying for something that will support me, paying someone who has put in the time to teach me something I want to learn. Why do I let the monkey, Kid Me, tell me I don’t need that kind of support?It’s irrational, fearful, and today feels incredibly silly. I’m sure I’ll write more deeply about this in the memoir, as this notion of not asking for help or paying for help is a long pattern in my life. Hiding in there is some glimmer of guilt as I know I have many natural advantages, things I did zero work to acquire in this lifetime. It’s a stupid form of stubbornness that has deprived me of some joy and some success. I’m grateful to catch it when I can.
Your Turn:
What’s on your wish list that could benefit from some elements of collaboration? I’m curious as this is something I want to know more about — the many forms of support, the “small signals” you’ve chosen to listen to that have made a difference for you.What does your critic say to you that’s stopping you? I want to support you in de-platforming that voice. Living in a world populated by the inner critics? Nah, that doesn’t sound like fun at all!If you’re inclined, leave some notes in the comments. We can crowd-source a compendium of tactics to silence the critics. Or, email me privately and I’ll compile them anonymously (or with credit if you want it!) for a future post. This, my dear readers, is one way we can feel better together.
I leave you with some ideas / affirmations / mantras:
- Due dates are here to support me.
- Obstacles are here to support me.
- Disagreements are here to support me.
- Asking for help is here to support me.
- Paying for help is here to support me.
- Confusion is here to support me.
- Fear is here to support me.
- Pain is here to support me.
- Anger is here to support me.
- Sadness is here to support me.
- Joy is here to support me.
Photo by Camylla Battani on Unsplash