On Comparison
Way back in 1991, I took a 10-day Self-Esteem Facilitators course with Jack Canfield, best-selling author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Jack was also an early leader in the movement to promote self-esteem, especially in schools. It was supported by a commission created by the California legislature, as a means to reduce certain forms of crime, especially those taking place in homes and the workplace. Yes, this was the same effort that also earned the attention of Garry Trudeau in his Doonesbury comics. So, consider this a little history for the ‘youngs’ who may be reading this!
This is not just another crazy California idea. It is, in fact, a very serious attempt to understand personal and social responsibility as it is shaped by factors of self-esteem. The lack of personal responsibility (somebody made me do it) and/or social responsibility (less than 50% of population voting) can in many cases be tied directly to the way individuals feel about themselves. 1
One of the messages he gave us, that really struck me at the time and has stuck with me over time, was this:Comparison is the fast track to misery.- Jack CanfieldEmbedded in developing a sense of self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-acceptance, and many of the other ‘self-things’ is an appreciation of one’s uniqueness. This applies across so many aspects of being human: a personal history (not just the family but all the other tangential experiences of school going to the doctor, extra-curricular activities, etc.), our emotional makeup, our gender, skin color, height, fashion style, etc. The list is, frankly, endless, which is both good news and bad news.We have an infinite number of ways to label ourselves and others.In the process of labeling, we automatically also compare. I think it’s inherently human to want to know where and how to fit in. For some of the rebel outliers, this info serves to set them free while for others conformity appeals as a safe harbor. Let us remember that survival is Job One for us humans and it’s a de facto rule that much of our conscious and unconscious behaviors orient around being here as long as we can. So on the act of comparing: yes, it is prone to be misery-making but please don’t compound that on yourself by pretending you can completely stop doing it.Instead, comparing with consciousness offers a useful alternative.
Start with Intention
The first step in the forest where two roads branch, is the one that dictates the rest of the journey. Thank you, Robert Frost.2 Sure, in the early stages you may see similar trees and hear similar birds but given enough distance, you arrive at altogether different destinations. Comparing without making a bold case for the purpose of doing so, is a form of Russian Roulette. You may end up destroying your sense of self and without that, life is indeed a tremendous struggle.I imagine you, like me, have found yourself in this tree-filled place with no direction, and the only impetus being to collapse on the ground and cry a river of tears.This is avoidable by having a clear intention, which kindly structured, can serve as a warm jacket while you explore the cold unknowns.I like to be practical — to me, it can be a powerful form of kindness. If it’s innately human to compare, let’s try not to pretend we can absolutely stop it and instead, find its benefits. Clearly, those humans who have a natural love of competition, for example, must do this as a means of improving their own performance. Benchmarking in business helps you aim towards those best practices, which I hope are centered on the triple win: a win for me, a win for you, and a win for the broader community.
Reverse Engineering FTW
So I’m writing this post because “don’t compare yourself” is a popular meme with all the best intentions but in reality is a cruel admonishment for something that can’t be prevented. I have a serious issue with the over-simplification and lack of implementation of many popular self-improvement memes. One way we can feel better together is to shine the light of consciousness on them instead of feeding them to our already bruised psyches.I hope that past moments of comparison are bubbling up in your mind while you’re reading this and you might even be re-filing them now with a different meaning. We have the ability to reverse-engineer that initial intention or more likely, the lack of conscious intention. This helps us sweep away the dregs of demeaning assessments that served little purpose at the time but that may be filling you up, unknowingly!
After Intention, Adulting
When you start with conscious intention, you may decide you have no use for comparison in many situations. This is like getting an unexpected day off! Your brain was primed to start the list-making of who’s better at what, and now, you see that’s not necessary. Or not relevant. Or not yet defined enough to be helpful. Initially, this walking away can feel like putting those cookies back in the cabinet. The back brain was looking forward to the imagined treats! After all, the back brain, the part whose job *is* to help us be on the watch for genuine survival-related issues, wants to be helpful and be fed.But the back brain only sees and feels a small part of You. It also forgets the deflation (and by that I mean depression) that often occurs after an exercise in comparison. That’s the part Jack was talking about and it’s really common.A comparison is a tool. Keep it sharpened to be effective and know that it can easily cut when we’re not paying attention.I realize that I’ve not specifically stated what I hope is obvious:Please don’t bother comparing your WORTH to any other person. It is an assignment that too often comes with a failing grade or sometimes a false sense of superiority. As we’re coming to appreciate more and more, we humans have a better sense of “you never know what is going on in another person’s life.” Let’s remember that truism when we start to measure ourselves against others. Because like most things in life, this too cuts both ways.
A Side of So-called Cancel Culture
I avoid using slang and tropes as much as I can, knowing once they take hold in our culture they spread like air pollution across the land. They start as a cute quip and can leave a slurry of smog in their wake. Cancel culture fits this bill.The topic is coming up in my writing group and on the comedy podcasts I’ve been listening to. Must we sacrifice ourselves to not offend others? Or can we find ways to be authentic and informative without coming at another’s expense?It’s ironic that the desire to repress certain things within us arises from a desire to be more respectful and kind towards others. But kindness does not always equal repression.I’ve just written many words about standing up for oneself, for building one’s self-esteem. And now we are facing the challenge of not telling that joke, of not sharing our experiences because our experience isn’t the “correct” one to be having.I’ve been called a rich white woman on Twitter, as a pejorative slam. But in fact, it is a fairly neutral, factual statement. I am easily “outed” as a White woman. “Rich” is definitely on a spectrum but compared to most in my country and in the world, I am rich. I have no idea how this commenter knew anything about my finances; we didn’t know each other at all. I don’t complain about not being able to pay my bills; I can do that every month.I’ll indulge my monkey mind who wants me to tell you at this point all the ways I am frugal, and not that rich, also compared to many others. That’s because she wants me to “money down” my situation to be liked rather than envied or begrudged. That’s the same process as “dumbing down” my vocabulary so people don’t think I’m too smart. (Fat chance of that though, as I love words!)So we (well, some of us, anyway) find ourselves in this sticky wicket of wanting to be true to ourselves and not hide who we are yet not wanting to offend. We want to tell our own personal stories, even if it’s only one perspective. We’ve established this very real IMO concept of privilege. Some of us are blessed with a different set of talents and life circumstances than others. This doesn’t make us better or worse people. Some of us are here struggling against irrational and at times violent treatment from others.In my desire to create a community here to feel better together, there’s room for letting consciousness do some of the heavy lifting for us and with us.Do you remember how absurd you thought your parents were (if you’re old enough!) when they admonished the kids at the table to clean their plates because somewhere in Africa children were starving?Well, we are doing a lot of that these days. We are trying to force actions and beliefs based on true facts that are irrelevant to our immediate circumstances. The internet and social media have connected us so much that we feel each others’ pain across thousands of miles. For what purpose? To live in a chronic state of guilt and depression?There is no material way your childhood food scraps could impact a hungry family in Africa. So that admonishment served up guilt with no nutritional value whatsoever. To anyone. But developing the awareness of who has what can be used to create more food for more families. I believe it‘s counter-productive to feel guilty about one’s place in this life.I believe (and am trying this myself) that one can accept oneself fully and be that divine being having a human experience, without causing unnecessary harm to others. (Some of it is unavoidable, though, and adulting means in part learning to understand that.) I believe the more I learn to be myself, the more I can, directly and indirectly, support others in being themselves. It’s my personality to want to know and share life with all kinds of different people — not just clones of myself. But I don’t believe there should be a moral imperative to do it. It’s just more fun and more enlightening in my experience.If we step back slightly and look at all of life as a game, and through the magic of reincarnation we get to play over and over again in completely different situations, then these differences begin to matter less. Is it possible that I have compassion for those with less because I had less in a previous life? Who knows. Are some people stingy in this lifetime because they too had less in a previous lifetime? I can see it both ways. This brief diversion from the psychological to the metaphysical helps me feel better.
What Do I Want My Impact to Be?
This is the choice we face. And one valid answer might be to have no impact. “I want to disappear and live my life in the shadows, attending only to my own needs and pleasures.” This can all get so complicated so fast once we take notice of (or compare ourselves to) others.What works for me is to respect every single human as having the same privilege to be here as I do, even if our circumstances vary.This shows up as wanting anyone and everyone to feel free to express themselves in whatever form they choose. Change whatever construct they wish. Fight for any cause they support. Be weird or straight or both. Change their minds. Try new things or dig in and don’t.I genuinely love helping others and sharing my stuff. But that’s something I arrived here with — and not something I can or want to force on others, nor should I get “credit” for it just because it aligns with our current definition of “how to be a good person.” It just is. It’s the air I breathe.Plus, it does have its downsides! I often give too much, which can deplete me and ironically, is sometimes not appreciated by the recipients. Knowing when and how and where and to whom to give is one of my personal lifetime assignments in the search for consciousness.I see every human being as the divine incarnate, walking the earth, playing with limits and boundaries, space and time.3 I know feelings will get hurt and violence will occur. I’ve seen love create everlasting bonds. Experiences may change us forever, in this lifetime. So much of our lives are out of our control. And that is frustrating. We sometimes don’t know the “why” until much later. And sometimes there is no “why” at all to be had.Can we live with this uncertainty? Yes, we can. Because we have consciousness to guide us to simply be true to ourselves. And, we can often find ourselves by comparing now and then — as a fact-gathering exercise in support of true expression. How lucky we are to see and learn from others in the ways they are living their lives.I have a whole lot more to say about the despicable power of victimhood (which is one of the energies I see embedded in cancel culture) and the magic of ‘wrong reason, right result.’ Perhaps you can feel those ideas creeping in here. They are some of my favorite topics, so not to worry! I’ll get to them.To wrap this up, comparing oneself to others has its uses. Do it wisely and my request is that the end goal is that all of our boats rise together on the tide. If you compare yourself to others and score deficits, that’s like drilling a hole in your boat. Not only will you sink, but then the fishies in the sea have to deal with your debris.Put-downs really are a form of personal pollution that we can avoid.
Postscript 1:
I came across this study that demonstrates vividly there are no absolute correct answers and equivocation is unavoidable, especially with complex topics. All the more reason, IMO, to use the tool of comparison to situate yourself in your own beliefs and preferences without trying to copy or denigrate or idealize others. I find it somewhat precious that these challenges were identified in the practice of meditation.4Some practitioners and teachers explained that training in Buddhist worldviews could have a preparatory function that could help to alleviate or mitigate challenges or distress. Conversely, some also said that it was a lack of worldviews that contributed to or furthered meditation-related distress. Worldviews could also serve to normalize meditation-related challenges by situating them within an explanatory context, whether religious, psychological, or scientific. However, various kinds of worldviews were identified as being risk factors for meditation-related challenges; these included idealization of teachers or teachings, viewing difficulties in terms of a purification narrative, beliefs leading to a striving or effortful approach to meditation practice, and specific challenges associated with both Buddhist views and psychiatric appraisals. So there, even meditation has its challenges.
Postscript 2:
Katherine Brodsky is a new writer I discovered this week who has just written clearly about the risks of self-censorship. (worlds colliding!) Sometimes, in our genuine efforts to correct past grievances, we go too far. The pendulum is always swinging and it’s hard to hold the center. So we use the extremes to gain more and more clarity and claim the personal space that feels better to each of us, individually.
On a mass scale, it’s a threat to the evolution and exchange of ideas, art, science, and the very fabric of our society. It stifles our understanding of the world. This trend has taken root in many institutions from educational to scientific.But, I’d argue, one of the most treacherous captures is that of our art and culture, which have often been the grandest narrators of the human condition. They hold up a mirror to us and reflect truth in the most indirect and yet somehow—most direct—of ways.Cancel culture could not exist if we stopped comparing ourselves to others through a one-up or one-down lens.
Closing Questions for Comment:
Do you self-censor?Do you think this has anything to do with your “particulars” as a human this time around? Does it come from comparing yourself to others?To build equity in those voices that have been repressed, must others be silent for a while?
Resources
- Self-Esteem Task Force, via the LA Times ↩
- The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost ↩
- This is a quote from a channeler I studied with for 25 years. ↩
- The roles and impacts of worldviews in the context of meditation-related challenges - Jared R. Lindahl, Roman Palitsky, David J. Cooper, Willoughby B. Britton, 2022
Top Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash ↩