Cause and Effect vs Moral Imperative

Today I am putting on my brainiac hat in search of consciousness, which for me is often a search for improved human relations. What is consciousness good for if not to be more humane in our interactions with other human beings?Way back in earlier times, humans lived in small communities, There was group pressure to conform and perform, for the survival of the group. As communities grew larger, group shaming was less effective as we had looser ties to each other. According to some theories, this is when religion developed, with rules for how to behave, a la the Ten Commandments, etc. This introduced the moral imperative, the need to be good lest you be cast out. Again, survival was the focus.In our internet-centric times, the moral imperative is both bantered about endlessly and yet has less and less power to motivate us. Some feel guilty ‘all’ the time; others simply ignore standards and norms that used to serve as guardrails against ‘bad behaviors’ or behaviors that cause harm.So I’m going to share an experience I had recently with a contractor and how I chose to handle it. Learning the difference between “cause and effect” versus “the moral imperative” has really helped me make fairer decisions with less guilt when things go awry. And it’s inevitable, things will sometimes go awry! If it happens due to human error, then how do we salvage something or how do we learn so it’s not repeated? And can it be rectified without over-the-top indignation?

Driveway Tales

This past winter, I had mud 8” deep in my driveway, and a lot of it rode into the garage on my tires. It was a mess inside and out. I contacted a contractor who had done an excellent job of leveling a large pad and placing gravel as a footing for a 40’ storage container. I had heard of excellent gravel work he also did for a neighbor. So I messaged him about getting some gravel in the driveway. He pushed me to go with cement instead, saying it would last longer and do abetter job and it would be a small bump up in price. I agreed.As it turns out, he and his crew did not follow the standardized procedures for laying cement. I ended up spending five minutes searching online and found a primer with seven steps. Mistakes were made at each step. The cement started to crack in less than 24 hours and one area had an indentation over an inch deep, which means a puddle when there is rain or ice. And more, but the cement details are not what I want to talk about.

Stop Order

After two weeks had passed, the concrete was cracking and the job was still not finished, I texted him on Saturday and said I was stopping the work and I’d be in touch by the following Wednesday. That is all. He phoned me immediately twice; I declined the call. I didn’t want to argue on the phone on the weekend. My plan was to have a concrete professional come and give me an assessment on Monday.The next day, Sunday, the contractor texted me that ‘I know you are unhappy with the work’ and he offered to have his crew come and remove all the cement, and take it to the dump, at no charge. He then said I can hire someone else to do the job. I replied:

Thank you very much, I think this is the best solution and I accept your kind offer. Please let me know when you will be here.

It took another week and my yard is a mess of dirt piles but we have closure. He delivered on his offer. And though I have now lost three weeks of being able to access my garage and have a bigger mess in my driveway, I did not have to argue with him or go to small claims court. He realized the work was not correct and he made good for the most part.I can feel my inner critic wanting to make him a bad person, a bad contractor, in her very indignant way. I have no idea why the work was so poorly done. I can speculate a number of ideas: he is learning cement work and this seemed like a low-stress job for practice. He knows cement but was busy on other jobs and his crew was not as experienced as they should have been, working without supervision. In any case, none of these things matter.It doesn’t feel good to make him a bad person, by overlaying the moral imperative. I don’t believe for a minute he intended to do poor-quality work. And yet, I also did not intend to pay for poor-quality work. So it became — for both of us — a much cleaner situation of cause and effect. Cause: failed cement work. Effect: Undo it and do not charge the customer.I did regret the waste of human labor (they did it all by hand) and the waste of the cement going to the dump. But I didn’t want to have it chipping and falling apart in my front drive, and sometimes, even the best solution or resolution has a downside.I find it’s the childish mind, the inner critic, that “really wants them to pay for their mistakes!” When we all make mistakes, don’t we? By not morally demeaning him, he didn’t get defensive and we could both look at the facts of the job. It was a little awkward, but oh, it could have been so much worse!So if in doubt, when things go south, look for the cause and effect pathway instead of sitting on high waving the wand of moral imperative. It works, and it works really well.I’d love to hear how you get off your high horse and manage human fallibility. It’s a skill in short supply, at least online, and we can change that.